Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2016 15:41:48 GMT
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Diary Entry #235
September 20, 2016
Diary Entry #235
September 20, 2016
The moment I closed the door on our shared apartment for the last time I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but in the same respect, I felt terrible dread.
Truth was, I was very much in love with Tyler. And even now as I write this, I still am. Not that I would ever admit that to him or anyone else. It would only give him the satisfaction that he wanted but honestly, as much as he tries to say that he still loves me, he doesn’t. He loves the monster he created. The monster I pretended to be.
It really is fucked up. I won’t say I’m a victim because, over the last year of being together, there were plenty of times I could have walked away but out of my developed love for him, I had stayed. Continued to pretend I was this... mean girl... for lack of a better description. Maybe for the first few months, I was a perfect textbook example of Stockholm syndrome but once that started to wear off... but I put him above myself. For so long. And really, him not willing to give up the heavy drinking was just the one thing I couldn't deal with.
I suppose he thought that his influence had changed how I grew up. What I had to endure as a child living in that dilapidated building. With my parents both being drunks. My mother consumed by it to the point of choking on her own vomit and dying in front of me and my father being so far gone that I was often the scapegoat during his rages. I can still remember what it feels like to be whipped with a belt. Seeing Tyler like that... it just brought back those memories and I wasn’t going to fall back into the same situation I ran from. Ad I say ran because I did. I ran to the nearest phone booth and called a kids helpline.
That’s when I’d met Lexi, and then the rest of the Fischer family.
Maybe I just didn’t love him enough.
Or maybe, I loved him enough to let him go. I mean if he really loved me as much as he says he did, then why wouldn’t he give it up for me? Was I not worth it? I suppose not.
No, him saying on social media that he loves me is only another one of his games. Ever the rich boy he wants people to feel sorry for him. The poor mama’s boy that overcame drinking after his girlfriend abandons him. Truth was, I have no idea what it was that pushed him to get sober but it sure wasn’t me.
Even now, I can see him sinking his claws into that Honey girl. I’m not even going to warn her. IT’s not that I’m still not the Evie of old. In fact, I really wasn’t. I wasn’t her and I wasn’t Evelyn that was with Tyler either. I had evolved past both of them.
I had sought therapy for my IED. It took more than it had before to push me over the edge like it had before. I was focused more on my wrestling now, with the occasional modeling job to pay the bills. At least until I had been fully established again.
Truth is, I don’t expect to be handed title shots. I have been out of a ring for nearly a year now. Not that I have ring rust, but I’m not someone that wants things handed to her. It bothered me a great deal living off the money of Tyler’s parents. In fact every penny I had earned while modeling had gone into a high-interest savings account. It was that money that paid for my new apartment. Paid for me to get back in a gym, although Peter Fischer would never charge me what he charges others at Olympia:NYC.
As for dating? Well, I’m not against it but I wasn’t looking either. And if Tyler really did love me as much as he said he did, he would have to show me that he loved me for me. Not that bimbo I had pretended to be. And knowing him as intimately as I did, I was unlikely to fall for the same games I had in the past. He can try but if he was going to win me back, he had to actually work at it.
I deserve better.
