Post by Ernie Parker on Sept 5, 2016 13:11:47 GMT
Hey Trixie ,
I reckon I've made a rod for my own back here by proactively giving feedback before it's been requested
But I did chuckle at a few parts of this piece. The e-mail list with the Aqua Drop stuff was a really nice touch. For those who aren't familiar, back at Engage, Trixie happened to bring Aqua Drop up in one of her RP's that she was at a photoshoot for them, as the face of their brand. Later, she posted on her in-house timeline that she was partying and got wasted. She happened to post an image of her picture base out getting wild, so I ran with an angle that Aqua Drop canned her because of the contrasting image between their healthy brand and her being a party animal, but reached out to the Engage owners to find her replacement, which ended up being Leila's Georgia Mack character.
So yeah, seeing that in there so subtly was a great touch and I LOVE it when writers drop little nuances like that in their writing - just a little nod to their history. You did it with all of the e-mails in fact, be it with Ernie's history with her (again, stemming from Engage), "look at this cat" from her high school friend, and of course, the sale e-mail that ties in with the financial problems she's got. I just thought it was clever.
The dialogue between characters was okay, but there's room for improvement there. Try and envision the scene in your own head and hear the characters talk to each other. If it doesn't sound natural, get rid of it and write something that does. Some of it was great but there were also parts where I just felt it didn't sound like a real conversation.
But having said that, it was a fun read (which is what this is all about) and I liked that we got to see Trixie for what she is - happy go lucky, life's not serious. Really fond of the character for that!
Good job!
I reckon I've made a rod for my own back here by proactively giving feedback before it's been requested
But I did chuckle at a few parts of this piece. The e-mail list with the Aqua Drop stuff was a really nice touch. For those who aren't familiar, back at Engage, Trixie happened to bring Aqua Drop up in one of her RP's that she was at a photoshoot for them, as the face of their brand. Later, she posted on her in-house timeline that she was partying and got wasted. She happened to post an image of her picture base out getting wild, so I ran with an angle that Aqua Drop canned her because of the contrasting image between their healthy brand and her being a party animal, but reached out to the Engage owners to find her replacement, which ended up being Leila's Georgia Mack character. So yeah, seeing that in there so subtly was a great touch and I LOVE it when writers drop little nuances like that in their writing - just a little nod to their history. You did it with all of the e-mails in fact, be it with Ernie's history with her (again, stemming from Engage), "look at this cat" from her high school friend, and of course, the sale e-mail that ties in with the financial problems she's got. I just thought it was clever.
The dialogue between characters was okay, but there's room for improvement there. Try and envision the scene in your own head and hear the characters talk to each other. If it doesn't sound natural, get rid of it and write something that does. Some of it was great but there were also parts where I just felt it didn't sound like a real conversation.
But having said that, it was a fun read (which is what this is all about) and I liked that we got to see Trixie for what she is - happy go lucky, life's not serious. Really fond of the character for that!
Good job!
